RULES FOR DACHSHUND OWNERS
1. Dachshunds are never permitted in the house.
The dachshund stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dachshund can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dachshund can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dachshund is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along
with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dachshund can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dachshund is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dachshund can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay the dachshund can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture, upon which the dachshund will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dachshund never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dachshund can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dachshund can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dachshund can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dachshund can sleep alongside you under the
covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dachshund can sleep and snore and have
nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the
couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.
That's just not fair!
EXCERPTS FROM THE DIARY OF JADE, THE CAT Day 421 of my captivity: my captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining their furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear and terror into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmm....not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of allergies.
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The WEENIES are routinely released and seem more than happy to return.
They are obviously half-wits.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
THE DACHSHUND AND THE GORILLA
A Gorilla excapes from a zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him.
Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his backyard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for.
He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"
The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."